Loneliness is a fucking wild thing. (18th Jan 2024)
Loneliness is a fucking wild thing. It can make you feel invisible amongst a crowd of people and empty amongst a circle of friends. It can have staring up at the stars hoping to breathe and it can have you sneaking off for a panic attack at your best friend's stag-do. It can have you sitting with darkness as the sun fades from your soul and it blinds you towards a path of destruction and despair. It can have you punching at trees from the anger inside. It can come the fuck outta nowhere and choke you like a vine around a tree. It can cloud the mind with thoughts of the abyss. It can have you standing in the shower for an hour, a somber reminder of the external warmth you lack. It can have you crying in your car after a bad date thinking you really will be alone forever. It can cause you to forget about the blessings you have in your life. It burns the heart with pain and scratches like a spine like fingers on a chalkboard. It lies within the shadows and gets you in the darkness. It can fuck you up to a point you could even fathom. But, do you know what loneliness also is? Just a feeling and like the caress of waves upon the shore they too shall erode away, leaving space for more to lie with the fishes. It can be losing yourself to the void of comparison. It can have you seeking after the wrong vices. It can twist your insides to the point of vomit. It can have you walking numb to the existence around you. It can melt the soul like crack on a spoon; quickly and devastatingly. It can trip you up and send you spiraling. It can have you tossing and turning as the mattress hardens. You can sleep on the floor because the bed feels too big. It can have you swimming in a sea of confusion and disillusion. It can have you crying at the moon as even the stars have a light but not you. It can have you staring at the sun of emotions, with the hopes of going blind. It can have you breaking boundaries in the pursuit of validation and connection. It can have you radiating with anger and angst at the world. But, do you know what loneliness also is? Just a feeling and like the caress of waves upon the shore they too shall erode, leaving space for more to lie with the fishes. Fuck loneliness is such a damn wild fucking thing. Like fuck! Where did you even come from? How did you even begin to manifest inside of me? How do you start to cease? Do you disappear or do I become more aware of you? What do you stem from, bro? Like fuck, here I am at 2.14am on a Sunday trying to personify you. So, I can start to see you as a thing I can converse with rather than a thing that consumes me. Oh, loneliness how do you fucking get easier to manage? Will you ever go away or will you just be something I'll learn to live with? I know these are unanswerable questions currently and it may be a while until I can figure them out. I'm just glad I'm still around to see that possibility. Fuck, look at me turning emotions into words.