I am not lonely; lying to myself about life.
I am not lonely until it's 2am and the world is quiet yet my mind is loud. I am not lonely until I see knees aligning other knees and think about how I wish to lay my hat upon those knees. I am not lonely until I see hands resting upon thighs and I long to rest my hands upon some thighs! I am not lonely until I see someone's hands upon the small of someone's back and I reminisce about the fleeting feelings this simple action used to give me! I am not lonely until I sit on a couch and watch my friends link limbs like they fit together and I’m left sitting on the outside again. I am not lonely until I run out of photos to edit and words to write. I am not lonely until I see someone undressing another with their eyes and wonder if others undress me? I am not lonely until I am sitting in a room of peers and they are all married and I am making art. I am not lonely until I realize how romantically shut off I have made myself. I never meant too! I just wanted to heal. I just wanted to breathe. I just wanted to fucking feel safe. I just wanted my head to stop playing tricks on me. I just wanted inner peace. I just wanted to detach from my past! I just wanted to let go. I just wanted to see the world from a brighter perspective. I just wanted to be closer to the sun but now I feel like I flew too close. I just wanted to be seen! Yet, now I see too much! Now! I can’t commit because I see all the bad before I see the good. I just want to evolve from the depressive reality I found myself in. I just simply wanted to be okay, and I was for awhile but now I am scared I may need therapy again to overcome the issues that revealed themselves to me in time. I dealt with the surface level and now I’m trying to deal with the deeper ones! I’ve seen toxicity more than I've seen love. I’ve seen clenched fists and glazed over eyes. I’ve seen hate disguised as love. I’ve seen my dad get hit by an ex. I’ve heard words of hate translated as love. I’ve seen so much hurt; it's normal to me. And, this scares me.
Oh fuck! Did my dads absence in my life plant seeds of evil within me; He wasn’t there when I needed him and somehow I must have subconsciously alchemized that into hyper-independence and fear of commitment; I can’t be hurt. I can’t be lying in a pool of tears because they didn't call. I can’t be staring up at the ceiling questioning my existence. I can’t be hurt. I can’t be hurt. I can’t have my heart shattered like the time dad wrote my sister a letter but not me; she was loved and I felt like a second or even a non-thought again. I can’t have a loveless connection. I can’t be hurt beyond repair if it's just me. I can’t lose my sense of self. I can’t become the person I hate. I can’t be reminded of my past. I can’t be But, now my fear of hurt is hurting the worst possible currently nonexistent hurt of the future. This fear I am trying to unravel is poisoning my petals; I’d much prefer someone rip them off. At least that way I least got something out of the hurt. Currently, I am just hurting! Currently! I am allowing my fear to alter my life's enjoyment.
Currently! I am wondering when I should be repairing the heart. But, how do I start to repair the heart? Mushrooms? But that may cost me my mind. Trusting again? But I got issues to attend to first. Talking to someone? But, what do I say? I want to be loved in a romantical sense but I am so scared they will leave me in a pit of tears again. Therapy? But I am too poor. Fucking a stranger on the internet? That may help me break the ice into intimacy again but it may tarnish the soul. Sit under a tree? That may isolate me more though. Oh, how do I heal the heart when it's so expansive yet so empty? I want to pull the band-aids off and start surgery on this pulsiverized organ of mine! But, I am not a surgeon. So, where do I start? I need directness; someone to break the barrier and pull them to me. Why can’t you do that yourself? I am scared of rejection. There we go, why are we scared of rejection? What about rejection is scary? How would you even describe rejection? I’ve put myself out there and every time I’ve had darkness consume me. Keyword there is myself and not simply self. What do you mean by this? I don’t know. I am tired and I am going to nap.