It's 5.55pm on the 17th of January 2024 and I am staring at the abyss with disconnection circling the mind, trying to drag into the depths of despair and self-destruction.
It's like I don’t mind the unstable living situation as that is solely my decision and a part of my surrendering to the flow of existence but fuck, this financial instability is fucking me up a little more than I expected. The unstable bed is fine because it's forcing me closer and closer to the discomfort that brings peace. It allows adventures to fill the space that loneliness used to occupy and love to seep through; a sun peeping through the clouds. But, I thought I would have had more paid shoots by now to help fund this journey of dreams and gasoline but they have yet to fall onto my lap. I know I haven’t been that active in chasing them, preferring the path of passivity with the hope that they will fall from the sky like rain after a drought. So, I can get too frustrated about the low funds. I must remain patient as it is slowly coming together; Nic wants me to help tutor photography at Toi Ohomai, the Fringe Festival is in March, and Rose and her mummification, and the possibilities this new kit will bring are all things to look forward to. I can organize shooting Tracey and her family in Whangerei but in all honesty, I'm a little fucking tired. These last few months have been fucking beautiful and I wouldn’t change any of it for anything but it's been more emotionally and physically draining than I first expected. I feel as if I am 80% in my head in regard to money and how to make it. How I am currently spending it and how I have little of it for now. Tayla’s $100 a fortnight will be a wee release every now and then but I need/require finances faster like Usain Bolt running 100m, but how the fuck do I do that?
I realize I have built a somewhat negative perspective and relationship with money, which is now hindering my ability to grow, create, and breathe. It was a moral compass thing when I first started this journey but now it's becoming an ego thing and altering the trajectory of my dreams. I saw it as an evil necessity of life when it's just a vessel for bigger things. I know I am fully capable of making it, I need to lay down my pride and create more internal space for finances to manifest. I am fully deserving of accepting it when it comes my way; when it flows I must be a river and not a lake. When someone offers to pay for something - let them stop being so prideful. They want to help and help is what you will need to achieve the riches I see inside my soul; acceptance of money is a good thing. You should look into selling the stack of prints you have in your car and use that to purchase more physical art to sell. You could start charging a small fee for any public events you capture - $3 for personal use and to be discussed for business use. You can offer digital downloads of mind-fucks for $20 a piece via Pixieset and buymeacoffee to help pursue more dreams. I know your brain is like fuck; I got to figure out payment plans on those sites and gain an understanding of how that all operates but it's something we need to understand and optimize. We are now stagnating our own flow and we must clear the dam before life consumes us. Please stop avoiding the tedious work - through tedious we will find adventure.
We need money to create more art, experience more expansive adventures, and see more cultures of the world. We need money to breathe freely; a tree with lush leaves. We need money to evolve into realms beyond our wildest imagination; a spaceman with an oxygen mask. You can achieve all of that without money but the odds won’t be in our favor if we stay attached to our idea around money. It's doable without funds but fuck me will it be difficult and sadly you’ll only be able to reach the lower levels of existence and our higher self. We are going to buy a house in cash one day. We just need to ride out these current waves and land on the shore again with a clearer mindset. We just need to lay down our pride and our need for independence. So, more blessings of the financial kind can radiate our way again. We were rich before but it was at a time when we were too young to appreciate it. We will be rich as fuck again and this time we will use it correctly. We will be richer than I ever fathomed, we just need to figure this limitation out first. You just need to shut off the thoughts and figure out how to extend this journey of pure creative freedom and lifestyle we are currently living. We just need to figure out how to exist as is in a more sustainable and healthy manner.
Do you know what is fucking beautifully weird?! I counted 888 words and none of them mention the word ‘job’ or ‘find employment’ and to me, this is divine energy. It means your soul and intention are mountains of creativity that will not be moved by the capitalist pillagers of society. It means you will die before you give the fuck up. It means you have all you need to live a full and content life and you are just wanting the funds to go from dreams and 91 to dreams and 95. But, if there comes a time when we must work to prolong this artistic endeavor, then we will work as we understand it's simply an end to a means and it's only temporary. I also just realized 888 is an angel number associated with financial abundance and the creation of wealth and too that is a sign the Universe has heard my words and as long as I stay me - finances will be one less worry I will have upon my shoulders.
Abmon (Mathew) xx