I lay down last night tossing and turning for what seemed like an eternity; one question wouldn't exit my mind. it was a simple-to-answer question for a soul that is not my own, but my soul spent the waking hours of today dissecting it like a frog in a science class; examining it piece by piece.
What is your relationship status? Like are you in a relationship or not? The obvious answer should have been single and ready to fucking mingle but silence came out of my mouth because it's like how do I answer that without crying? How do I answer that without breaking down? For it's been awhile since this little heart of mine has felt safe in the arms of another. Fuck, man. Why did you have to ask that question when I was in such a vulnerable emotional state? Like, I understand it's a simple question but to me its not very simple at all; its a vineyard of complex emotions. To me, it sent the fragile wall of my guard tumbling down in a crashing of tears and cleansing sorrow. I needed it but fuck give me some warning next time, Sophia. It's all I ask.
How do I answer that when emotional turmoil fills the space she once occupied? How do I answer that when my heart aches at the mention of someone loving me? Like, I wouldn’t do that if I was you. How do I answer that when my insides are a constant fit of fear around souls I am interested in? How do I answer that when I never feel worthy of fucking love that will last a lifetime? How do I answer that when I feel undeserving of half of someone's life? How do I answer that when “you’re going to fuck her up too” floats through the mind like a balloon with no string? How do I answer that when all my previous relationships have resulted in heartache and therapy sessions? How do I answer that when I have spent the last 3 years trying to disappear? How do I answer that when I tried so hard to be so small I ceased to exist? How do I answer that when the skeletons of her still wrap their fingers around my neck? How do I answer that when intimacy scares the absolute fuck out of me? What if I bare my soul to someone again, only to be told to get dressed? How do I answer that when for a very long time I got so so so lonely, I shut out the world to keep any good I had left safe? How do I answer that when deep down I feel like a piece-of-shit for the tarnished scars upon someone's soul I have left? How do I answer that when I am nursing two broken hearts and a bruised relationship with love? How do I answer that when love scares me but I can’t pinpoint exactly why?
How do I answer that when I am filled with so much frustration for not having moved on yet but for 5 years (18-months chasing, almost 3 years dating) she had my soul and I feel like I am only just rediscovering it for myself? How do I move on? How the fuck do I move on? How the fuck do I become enough (although I was born enough)? How do I live with the hurt I’ve caused? How can I trust myself to not fuck up someone again? How do I tell myself I am deserving and accept it? How do I accept the fact that people want to love me? How do I remove the image of her constant sadness from my mind? How do I switch off all the guilt I still feel? How do I be vulnerable under the covers again?
How do I flow through the past when it's a past that doesn't feel completely my own; I feel like she had more parts played in the downfall of our castle but I was the one who carried it upon their shoulders. How do I forgive myself when I am not sure which parts are mine to be pardoned from? How did I believe I was the sole destructor of our relationship; her a divine angel, me a disturbed demon? How did I believe it was all my fault and therefore all mine to repair and carry? Why wasn’t I aware of the emotional manipulation I was putting myself through until now? Why didn’t I see the warning signs; unbalanced energy and one-sided compromises? How do I know what healthy is when I haven’t seen it before? How do I shift the narrative from “I was a fucking piece of shit and I never deserve a relationship again” to “I was an unhealed version on myself operating at the level of my knowledge then but I have more knowledge and this time it will be different”?
It's about time, I shifted this fucking narrative! We’ve now been apart longer than we were together and I'm still fucking sitting with this shit!. Isn’t that a little fucked? We broke up and she fucked til STDs riddled her soul and a baby filled her stomach like the time we spent together meant fucking nothing to her! We broke up and she found someone else like I was nothing. We broke up and she found love again like mine never existed. We broke up and I tried to punish her for it. We broke up and I spent the first 6months trying to reverse that decision and win her back. After we broke up I kissed someone and it somehow felt like cheating; so I stopped kissing people as a whole. I had been a cheater before, I wasn’t going to do that again. After we broke up I seeked the hatred I felt I deserved. After we broke up I tried disappearing because I didn't have the strength to kill myself. After we broke up, she ran my name through the mud, whereas I went silent. After we broke up I went dark for quite avwhile, then I sought for the light again. I went to therapy, poured my emotions into art until I became art, and found gratitude for the journey I had just returned home from.
Like, don’t get me wrong as I sit here I so fucking wish it was a “we just aren’t meant to be. Thank you for the life shared but I think we should part ways” type of ending, instead of an “I fucking hate you for ruining my life. You fucking cunt” type of ending. I so wish it was a relationship of warmth and understanding but instead, it was a relationship of bipolar energies; silent stares and screaming fits of tears. There was love but it was always clouded by other things. I so wish it was so different like fuck I may not have been deserving of a happily ever after. I believe I was at least deserving of a happy goodbye but I got neither and maybe that is what I deserved but like fuck, I tried so fucking hard. So fucking hard like fucking harder than I've ever tried before and I don’t know I guess the more distance I put between myself and her the more I am becoming to see. The more I realize I have always been deserving. The more I realized it's okay to trust again and it's okay to fuck again. I don’t know I’m just grateful I'm still around to find love again. It's been a journey but as I look at the clock striking 5 am, I think it's time to put myself out there again as the morning fades to slumber.