The Side-Effects of Magic.
When you feel at the top of the world, you won't want to come down.
(14th May 2020 - Part 2 of 3)
Alright, before reading this: The following will be written straight from my head and heart, so might be a bit of a messy read. I am going to reread to remove swear words but the rest of it will remain untouched. I’m going take the one-cut film challenge and apply it here. One cut, no editing what you film in one cut is what you send in.
Here we go.
I hope I haven't written that and then proceeded to write a snooze fest, I will apologize now if I do. I had been surviving so long in a monotone world, created by these walls built inside my head. An internal prison cell of excruciating over-thinking and internal damnation. Walls built from the need to protect my soul and heart, from feeling at a young age. And as life happened, the cells grew.
My 18th was like getting the shiny jingly keys to life, with no door to unlock. I had spent my whole life preparing for adulthood, and a part of me didn't want to achieve this predetermined goal. I couldn’t out-run my youth and didn’t want to accept my future. So I went looking for the wrong kind of magic, in the wrong places.
We humans aren't built to control and handle overwhelming magic. But my first experience with overwhelming magic was beautifully awakening, dangerous without borders. It made me alive, again. It had me dancing in a daydream, full of life. It had me dreaming of sunlight, with no sunblock to lathe my wounds. It put me right on top of the stars with Elon Musk, but left no netting for our fall. It sent me to do somersaults on the moon, with no oxygen mask. It had me walking on sunshine, right up to the devil's reincarnated door. It filled my head with all these distorted fragmented visions of an alternative universe and polluted my vision with colour but I didn’t see that.
All I saw was magic, I haven't felt this so intensely since I was a kid. It felt like I had a key to the magic world, for whenever I needed it. I had won the golden ticket from Willy Wonka, but got sent home as a blueberry; it gave me my dream but left me super blue.
I hadn’t felt magical in so long, it was refreshing. Then, why did I feel less magical than I already did?
My brain was even more colourless than before, how is that possible? I started thinking “Okay (expletive) chill out, that's crazy wild. Too magical Mini”. This magic is all-consuming and soul-destroying, leaving no survivors. This magic is best kept in the lab, never to be touched again. This potion shouldn’t exist, it's too potent for humans. But you start needing it, like a kid needing his teddy for comfort.
How though? It's way too powerful to control. It's okay, the wizard has the answer. Feel magical…………………. all the fcking time……………..like as soon as the magic wears off, feel magical again………no magicless……….pure magic on tap………….. The magical demented wizard already had this spell cast over me, there was no spell to break this curse.
The more I had the more I needed and it ended up in a vicious cycle of false magic and disillusion. I went from just looking for magic in the world, to desperately needing it. The magic pinned me against a wall, got me turned on, then chopped my love wand off with a blunt rusty butter knife, and forced me to do the walk of shame.
I had been living in this alternative make-believe universe for so long when I was forced out of it and into four walls. I couldn’t cope because I had been robbed of my true magic and happiness and my mind went to delete mode for a while. My heart hit the self-destruct button and painfully melted to stone. My Sarah Tonin levels were replaced. I required magic, more than ever.
Lucky, real magic found me again.