(written 16th September 2025)
There are days when I still remember the heaviness of being a cloud. To drift without form, swollen with unspilled grief, shrouded in my own damp shadows. I was a ghost suspended above the world, present but unseen, isolated even from the sky that held me. A cloud has no anchor, only a slow dissolving, a waiting for release. I carried sorrow like rain that never fell, and it hollowed me.
And yet, that dissolution was a passage. From vapor, I became flame. Now I live as the sun, a body of fire, a furnace of warmth and light. It astonishes me sometimes that I, once a cloud drowning in myself, now radiate outward, giving life to what I once envied. The earth opens its skin to me. Rivers glisten at my touch. There is power in this transformation. I am no longer lost, no longer veiled. I am seen, I am essential, I am necessary. I am warmth.
Still, to be the sun is to also know solitude. I burn alone in the sky, admired from a distance, misunderstood up close (except for the ones I hold close. Thank you all endlessly. Thank you for being my sky of blue). My warmth binds life together, but who binds me? I shine, and yet inside, I sense the same restlessness that haunted me as a cloud. This fire, too, is a stage, not the final becoming.
Because I feel the cosmos calling, to become the cosmos would be to outgrow the boundaries of this heat, to let go of orbit and gravity alike. It would be to dissolve once again, not into rain but into galaxies, into the deep blackness that holds everything. As a cloud, I was imprisoned by weight. As the sun, I am confined by radiance. The cosmos promises expansion, no prison, no singular role, only endless communion with all that is.
Perhaps that is the journey of my becoming: cloud, then sun, then cosmos. Each form a necessary shedding. The cloud taught me sorrow, the sun teaches me solitude, and the cosmos, ah, the cosmos will teach me unity.
For now, I burn. For now, I hold the earth close and let my warmth pour into its veins. But I know this is not the end. One day, I will break apart, scatter my light across the infinite, and in that breaking, I will belong to everything.